I met my husband in the summer of 2003. I had been out of college for a year and had just moved across the country for an exciting new job. I didn't know anyone in my new big city, and so I started joining groups and being aggressively social in an attempt to make friends. Being new put me in the position of constantly introducing myself. People wanted to know where I was from, what I did, who I was. And who was I? At 23 I wasn't sure I knew. I wasn't nearly so existential during what was typically cocktail chatter, but spending the past three weeks on interviews introducing myself, reminded me of my younger self 7 years ago trying to figure out who I was.
My husband still teases me about many, many details of our first date. He reminds me that when he called to ask me out, I told him that he couldn't pick me up until 8pm because I had ballet until 6:30. I also apparently talked about my love of reading quite extensively during our date. Neither of those things are particularly tease worthy, except for the fact that he's never seen me take a ballet class since that night, and I only read 1 book in the first two years we were dating. I wasn't lying when I told my future husband that I loved ballet and reading - I thought I wanted to be a reading ballerina - but wanting and enjoying are not the same thing. If I truly enjoyed doing something, wouldn't I be intrinsically motivated to actually do it? Or do other things get in the way of doing things we enjoy?
3 comments:
Good questions.
I sometimes think that I avoid doing the things I want the most out of fear. Fear of failure, mainly. All my life I've wanted to be a writer. I've taken steps to be a writer. I dream about writing. I write. But when it comes to taking that big leap of actually trying to publish... I am so unmotivated. I think maybe because if I get rejected, it means I'm not really meant to be a writer and my whole life has added up to nothing.
Okay, heavy stuff for a Tuesday morning. But that's my take on the topic!
I definitely do not always do the things that I enjoy. For me the problem is that I feel this need to make myself accomplish all of these things that I do not really enjoy, so there is less time for what I would really love.
It seems to me that these things often come down to seasons in life. We may enjoy an activity for a while, take a break for years, and then return later with renewed vigor. And for me, that is okay.
Both of your comments really made me think and I'm trying re-evaluate why I do (or in this case not do) things that I think I would enjoy.
Thank you!!
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